Is He/She a Potential Abuser?
No one wants to think that the person they are dating or in love with could
possibly harm them. Many times, it is your friends or family that
may see something you don't. They may tell you that something is
wrong in your relationship. It is estimated that up to 30%
or more of relationships have some form of abuse. There are common
potential indicators.
Instead of negating their thoughts, you may need to stop and look at your
partner's actions. Answer these questions about your partner:
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Are you discouraged from talking with friends/family?
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Does he/she always insist on going everywhere with you?
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Do you have to discuss activity plans, people you will be with, and why
you are going to do something with him/her before you can do them?
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Does he/she have problems with your success?
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Does he/she react negatively to people in positions of authority?
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Does he/she believe that the man is the head of the house?
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Does he/she belittle you?
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Does he/she blame you if things happen?
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Does he/she negate your opinion?
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Does he/she make you feel guilty?
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Does he/she call you names?
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Does he/she lose his/her temper and throw things or hit objects?
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Have you ever seen this person become violent in a situation with someone
else?
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Does he/she get violent when he drinks?
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Is your partner jealous of your time, your career, other people in your
life?
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Does he/she play mind games with you?
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Does he/she believe the myths about domestic violence?
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Believe that sex is his/her right, whether or not you agree to it?
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Does he/she come from an abusive home? Does he/she come from a dysfunctional
home?
Now look at your own actions and reactions. Answer these questions
about yourself:
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Do you have low self-esteem?
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Do you believe in traditional, stereotypical, man-as-the-head-of-the-house
roles?
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Do you accept responsibility for arguments?
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Do you believe the myths about domestic violence?
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Do you feel guilty if he/she becomes enraged or jealous, or that you may
have caused his actions?
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Do you allow yourself to be controlled because you believe the person would
not do it if they didn't love you?
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Do you believe jealousy is proof of love?
While all of these indicators are emotional, remember that emotional abuse
is often the first one used. This nearly always escalates and becomes
a physical form of abuse. It always involves control - one partner
controlling the actions of the other. If this kind of behavior
is present , you could have a potentially abusive situation that will only
GET WORSE as the relationship progresses.
If you answered 'yes' to any of the above questions, you may have a problem.
These are only warning signs to help you decide if you want/need help.
They do not mean that an abusive situation will happen. However,
if these actions are present, you both need to seek separate, outside,
impartial counseling. You both need to accept the responsibility
that each of you play in this situation. He/she needs to recognize
that abuse is not acceptable and you need to recognize that you can't enable
his/her actions.
